In a vague sendoff, the bull run gently kissed you on the forehead, looked you in the eyes, and lovingly whispered, "I'll be right back, just gotta grab some moo juice and cancer sticks, sweety."

Despite your better judgment—and the fact that the bull run has never smoked a cigarette in his life and is violently lactose intolerant—you smiled and nodded, never thinking that this would be the last you'd see of him—until November, maybe?

Witnesses claim that shortly after the tender goodbye, the bull run was seen packing a suspiciously large suitcase, grabbing a Ledger Wallet, and hailing an Uber to "the store." A Goldmansacks analyst, RazPi, was spotted weeping into his keyboard and reported that the bull run had been planning this departure for weeks, maybe months.

"He was always talking about how things were getting too hot, that he needed some time to cool down," the analyst sobbed. "But I thought it was just the usual talk. I didn't think he'd actually go through with it."

As the hours drag on and the bull run remains out of sight, many are left questioning if he'll ever return. Will he come back with the milk and cigarettes by Christmas?

Rumors are circulating that the bull run was last seen at a seedy little crypto bar, nursing a glass of moonshine while chatting up Michael Saylor, Elon Musk, and a bawling cabal of venture capitalists.

In a twist that everyone saw coming, your friend who tells you crypto is a scam will YOLO his entire life savings on shitcoins.

“Bitcoin is just a bubble waiting to burst and only shady people use it,” declared your friend confidently just a few short months before he’ll flawlessly time the top of Dogecoin on Robinhood at 2 AM on a random Wednesday, completely ignoring your advice but blaming you for it anyway.

“Blockchain? It’s just a glorified Excel sheet. Governments will ban crypto and it’ll be worthless,” he assures you. Soon after, he'll be all-in on a Reddit meme coin promising to disrupt the virtual pet rock market, with a whitepaper written in Comic Sans.

At press time, this same friend, who hasn’t read past the first line of Bitcoin’s Wikipedia entry and thinks the Federal Reserve is a military base, advised you to “stick to cash & forget about all this crypto business”

The ConeHeads are gearing up to nominate and appoint a new wave of Ambassadors to the $Cone community. These selected conemunity members will play a crucial role in managing the social vitality—not only within their "homebase" on Reddit but also across their growing presence on Discord and Telegram.

While it’s yet to be conefirmed what specific roles these Ambassadors will have in cultivating the conemunity on X (formerly Twitter), TikTok, and other social networks the Cones aim to conquer, one thing is clear: with the cone cult's second cone-iversary on the horizon, the upcoming festivities and cone camaraderie will require a committed coterie of Cones.

Nominations for these positions are live now, and members are encouraged to recommend their cousin cone and send in a direct message to the team. After the nomination conecludes, the community managers will confirm the selections.

A local BitCone enthusiast and ConeHead has sent shockwaves through both the crypto community and the breakfast industry. While going about his usual morning routine—making breakfast, reading the news, and meticulously counting and cuddling each and every BitCone he owns—u/crodbtc made a discovery that can only be described as cone-tastical.

“I almost dropped my coffee,” crodbtc later recounted on r/ConeHeads, the go-to subreddit for all things Cone. “At first, I thought it was just a burn mark or maybe some weird glitch in the toaster’s graphics card.”

There, emblazoned in a perfect, golden-brown pattern, was none other than the $CONE symbol, along with a seemingly arbitrary string of words and a token contract on the crust: 0xbA777aE3a3C91fCD83EF85bfe65410592Bdd0f7c

Naturally, the discovery of such a divine carb-communicated message didn't stay quiet for long. Word spread across Reddit like wildfire, with fellow ConeHeads and crypto enthusiasts speculating on the significance of the toast-bound symbol. Some believe it’s a sign from the Cone gods themselves, while others are convinced it’s a coded message meant to unlock the true power of BitCone.

"I'm pretty sure this is a sign that BitCone is going to toast the whole market," said $CONE holder and prophet u/rikbona. “Also, hoping there’s enough toast to share since I missed breakfast.”

Econe-omists and crypto analysts, however, were less sure of what to make of the phenomenon. "We may be witnessing the first documented case of carbo-crypto convergence," said u/GuyOne, a leading expert in cryptocurrency cryptography and brunch. “It’s as if the BitCone ecosystem has transcended the digital realm and is now manifesting in our breakfast foods. We’re going to need to revise our models during lunch today.”

Despite the baffling nature of the discovery, u/crodbtc remains unfazed. “I’m planning on donating the whole loaf of bread to either the Smithsonian or Vatican Museum.” “Cone and this discovery MUST be shared with everyone,” he said while taking a bite of the priceless cone-toast relic.

NOTE: Six of Eight Cone Gods were reached but did not provide a statement.

In a twist that has left economists scratching their heads and the entire world market soaring to unprecedented heights, a local Redditor known as “DiamondHands420” singlehandedly triggered a global economic rally by selling off their entire crypto portfolio at an 80% loss. The move, which included a fire sale of JPEGS, niche meme tokens, and even a traffic cone, has been hailed as the most significant financial decision of the decade.

“Honestly, I was just tired of the constant FUD and felt it was time to cut my losses,” DiamondHands420 posted in a now-viral thread on r/ConeHeads. “I HODLed for, like, almost a whole week.”

As news of the sale spread, the stock market, crypto market, and even the price of used cars began to surge. “We haven’t seen green across the board like this since last month,” remarked one Wall Street analyst. “It’s like the universe was just waiting for this one guy to throw in the towel.”

Economics leaders, too, were quick to acknowledge the mysterious forces at play. “This brave individual’s sacrifice has restored confidence in markets across the globe,” said Chair of the Federal Reserve Jerome Powell. “The market is far too focused on inflation, interests rates, and macroeconomics when we should all just be doing the exact opposite of whatever this shit-poster does.”

Experts are still trying to understand the mechanics behind this phenomenon. “It’s a classic case of ‘buy high, sell low,’ but on a cosmic scale,” said some random dude on the internet named unhingedbigfoot. “Personally, I’m up about 10,000% on BitCone ‘cause I have no idea how to sell it.

Redditor DiamondHands420 remained upbeat, however. “I’ve got like 17 whole days before my rent is due. I just need to increase my portfolio by 500% before then and cut down spending on frivolous things like food and electricity.”

In a move that has left the world both stunned and amused, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass announced today that $CONE, the Polygon-based Reddit meme token, will be the sole currency accepted at the 2028 Olympic Games. “Cone one, cone all! Viking, Bucket, Cone? Everyone is welcone!” she enthusiastically declared at a press briefing this morning.

With breakdancing controversially removed from the 2028 Olympics following the infamous "kangaroo moves" that shook Australia out of the world rankings, the event will instead feature the debut of $CONE tipping and Viking pillaging as official sports.

The favorite to win gold in 2028, Long Cauliflower, was quoted as saying, “All ConeHeads will receive 10,608 BitCones!” Following this declaration, the towering vegetable generously tipped everyone in attendance, including this reporter, five figures in $CONE.

In a surprising twist, ConeHeads have pledged to team up with Knøøs from Denmark, Sweden, and Norway to launch the first-ever pillaging competitions in Olympic history. “Since LA already has that naturally ransacked and plundered vibe, we figured, why not invite the Vikings too? What do we have to lose?” Mayor Bass remarked to reporters in the City of Angels on Monday morning.

In addition to new events like Tip Fight, the Loot Toss, and Village Sprint & Sack, the Olympic Games Committee has also revamped the iconic Olympic rings, now featuring a fresh set of five orange rings to commemorate the implementation of $CONE as the official currency for the 2028 Games. “We realized we’d be better off just using $CONE—it’s way funnier than dollars and cents,” admitted Thomas Bach, President of the International Olympic Committee. 

Though he was tight-lipped about the 2026 Winter Olympics in Milan, Bach did reveal, “We’re ditching the silly medals too—no one ever wears them after the games, so we figured it’s a bit of a waste. Instead, winners will receive sweet, sweet, cold hard BitCone, baby!”